How to act?
Very often parents feel unable to act correctly with regard to the education and behavior of their children, and they ask themselves: do I have to do this or that, or is it better to do nothing? What can I forbid and what should I tolerate? When is something convenient, and for how long? In short, the series of questions and questions that parents are asked is as extensive as their interest in offering their children an education that leads to success and happiness.
Well, but who to turn to? It is not logical to think of parents who have a bedside therapist at their disposal to clarify all their doubts and answer all their questions.
So? The answer is in someone who knows their children as much as you do, and sometimes much better: the teacher. In addition, we must remember that, in many cases, the boys show a certain behavior at home and another very different at school.
A well-prepared teacher, with sensitivity and sufficient love for his profession, will be in a position to guide him and propose the most convenient solution or solutions to try, together, to properly prosecute his son.
Television
-Professor, my son wants to be watching television all the time. How much can it hurt you? Would not it be better to forbid him to see her?
-I would say that neither much nor nothing. If it is a lot of television you will not be able to carry out other important and necessary activities for its development, and if it is nothing you will be depriving it of a wonderful educational environment. Television, in itself is a magnificent medium but, with respect to the children, those minds that are still in the process of formation, we must be very careful both with the content of the programs and with the time that this remains on.
-But how do I know?
-There are several means, for example, buy or subscribe to a magazine that publishes all the information of the different channels, including the classification of the films and programs, consult with trustworthy people who have children of the same age as yours and In short, you or your partner, when watching television, will use your criteria to determine how acceptable or not the programs your child usually sees.
- What about the news?
-The boys do not care much about them and that's good because why do you want them to see news of violence, corruption and wars?
-Well, and, how long can you watch TV?
-Iconsider that as 2 maximum daily hours, as long as you have finished your homework or homework.
Death
-Professor, notice that my wife's breast is very serious in the hospital, and the doctors predict an imminent death. How to handle the issue of death with my son?
- First of all, we must know what death means for a child. When he is very small of three or less, he is not able to grasp the concept of "death", and he substitutes it for abandonment. In this regard you can tell him that there is a place - heaven for example - from which the one who has left, a relative, a friend, or even a pet, continues and will continue to love us. Between the ages of three and nine he gradually learns that death is something definitive, from which there is no return, and then with the death of a loved one he is assailed by the fear not of dying, but of remaining alone. That is when almost invariably, a question comes Why?
-Indeed, what to tell a child when he asks why people die?
- Do you know?
-...?
-Don't worry, I do not either, but we can tell you that someone died because he was sick of this or that, or as a result of some accident, but, why? Simply because its cycle was completed, sometimes long, sometimes very short, but a cycle after all.
-Okay, but who or who determines the cycle?
-Well, getting into that would be to get into depth and I do not think your son will do it.
- What if he does?
-In this case, you or your wife will respond according to your religion, beliefs or culture.
-And tell me professor, is it convenient for a child to attend a funeral?
-In this regard there are psychologists who recommend it from 5 years of age, supposedly because they will better understand the cycle of life, however, I believe that children, whatever their age, do not have to attend those events. Pain and tears will not do you any good.
The communication
-Teacher, every time there is less communication between my son and me, if for example I ask him how it was today, he says to me well and lifts his shoulders, if I want to know what he did in school, he replies that he always did, and he gets in his room. What can I do to have my son communicate his things to me?
-To begin with, it would be convenient to remember the four indispensable elements for a productive communication:
- Trust.
- Acceptance.
- Understanding.
- Interest.
-But how is that achieved
-The confidence that your child has towards you can not be given overnight, or because you decide so. The confidence of your child is something that you, as a parent, must gradually earn.
-Well, what good can I do?
-I would think better about what I should not do. We reflect. Why is your child so uncommunicative? Simply because you have learned that almost anything you say will be a reason for criticism, remonstrances or disagreements on your part. That's why he answers with harmless and ambiguous monosyllables that do not compromise. In short, your son does not have the confidence ... and he is right.
-Well, this in terms of trust, and what about acceptance?
Accepting is listening without judging. It is amazing how quickly some parents express their point of view to any opinion, comment or opinion of their child. That is why it is advisable that you repress your judgments, observations and advice.
- Are you asking me not to tell my son what is right or what is wrong?
-No way. You as a parent should guide him, but at the right time. When your child says something to you seems inconvenient, let them know, but let some hours or a few days pass, choose an occasion where they can talk alone.
-And if it is something urgent?
- At least that it is a problem that does not allow you to lose even a second, everything else that your son entrusts to you can wait. So wait, if you listen without judging, your child will feel more accepted, and the communication between them will grow.
-And what about understanding?
-This is the third point of communication. In order for you to better understand your child, simply put yourself in their shoes and remember how they thought and felt at that age. Understanding is support, and if you really support your child, he will feel stronger, more confident and more confident, both of you and of himself. Understanding your child does not necessarily mean agreeing with him, but if you listen to him, and listen carefully, which brings us to the last element of communication, interest, show your child that you are interested in what he shares with you, but really interested, otherwise your child will notice and understand that is pretending. Listen to him and avoid giving him advice. Remember that unsolicited advice is bad advice received. Of course, there are exceptions when, for example, there is a risk of unfortunate consequences. In short, your questions are not so abstract: How did it go today? How's the school? You have learned a lot? Change them for something more concrete like Who is the most demanding of your teachers? What's the difference today at recess? Who of your classmates are really your friends? If your child is reluctant to answer, do not try to scoop out the words and leave for another day.
The perfection
-Professor, like all parents I wish the best for my children, but sometimes I get depressed because I feel that I am not a perfect father.
-The first thing you need is to forget that you want to be a perfect father, since the perfect father does not exist. Why? Simply because when you studied there was not - nor is there - a subject that taught you to be a perfect father, not even to be a father, period. On the other hand there are many books that deal with how to educate more adequately, but there is none that is called something like a perfect father in 10 easy lessons.
-Indeed, but why?
-Because no one can offer you something that does not exist, at least here in this temporary world. Once accepted this reality it will be easier for you to get used to the idea that you are also a human being and, as such, have virtues and defects. With this conviction rejoice for its virtues and increment them, and correct their defects or eliminate them.
-So, can not I be a perfect father?
-Conform with being a good father ... that is already a lot.
-I must confess that I have my defects, my faults and that makes me feel guilty.
-If you have defects is normal, but if you also feel guilty for it is negative. We are not perfect. Accept this truth and it will be easier for you to accept yourself and fully accept your child.
The excess of help
-Professor I am very worried because my son is not independent for his age ... as he does not have confidence in himself.
-Let's see, do you help your son do things?
-Of course yes.
- And it allows him to do things by himself?
-Well, not everything, because I feel very immature.
-There is the problem. You need to have more confidence in your child's chances. Give him the opportunity to learn by himself.
- What if he does not do things right?
- At the beginning it will not do them well because you have dealt with them, but also, what if, for example, the sweater is buttoned badly, will the earth open up and swallow us all? No, right? Leave it with the badly buttoned sweater and, please, do not button it well.
-Why?
-Because such action would imply his disapproval and implicitly I would be saying "you are not smart enough to button your sweater. I have to do everything for you "
-I would never say that to my son.
-I'm sure not, but his attitude would be in charge of doing it, I insist you make him feel that you trust him. Understand that in your child, as in every human being, the desire for independence is present. Allow him to express that independence, and see how, in a short time he will acquire the necessary confidence in himself to do things and do them well.
-Other question teacher, I always help my son to do homework Is it also wrong?
-It's the same as with the sweater buttons, homework is your child's responsibility. If he always helps you, he will be preventing you from learning for yourself and you will be forced to do the work even when you are in college. Eye, it is always important to help at home but I remind him that one thing is to help him guiding him and another very different thing is to do the work, that is not helping.
The boys and the girls
-Professor, I have two children, a boy and a girl. I know they are different but I would like to know more about these differences, and how to handle them in their education.
-Indeed boys and girls are different, in addition to the biological attributes of their sex, are different in the way they handle communication and the ability to relate. For example, when a group of children gather to play, it determines certain rules that must be followed, and if one does not respect those rules it will be eliminated from the group. In their game the girls also establish rules, but if there is one that does not follow them, the game is interrupted to propose new rules and they all continue playing.
-It's funny, what does that mean?
-It means that children are more strict in complying with the rules, but girls prefer to stay in contact with the group even if the rules are not respected. Thus, when children cease to be adults, they would prefer to be efficient and comply with established guidelines and girls who become women will give preference to interpersonal relationships.
-And is it always like that?
Human behavior is not like mathematics, where two plus two will always be four. To begin with, no one is 100 percent male or female. Men in their masculinity have feminine attributes, and women have masculine qualities. That is why we must avoid stereotypes
- What about the toys for boys and girls?
-In this regard it is common for children to play with weapons or carts that help them keep their bodies moving. Girls' toys as toys or kitchen implements. They are more passive than active, and with that they imitate the maternal actions, however it is a generality, not a strict rule, that is why you should avoid setting limits and allowing each child to play as he / she feels better, because if we impose preconceived roles , we will be classifying our children to behave as we would like them to behave and not as they would like.
-Other thing, do children communicate like girls?
-Interesting question. Not long ago an experiment was carried out using a plastic barrier that delimited a certain space, inside it was a male baby, and after the barrier his mother. When I saw her the baby crawled towards her and tried to climb the barrier. When the little one was replaced by a girl, she just cried and called her mother but did not move.
The experiment continued with several children, and their behaviors were the same as that of the first cases. This means that children prefer to communicate physically, while girls choose verbal communication. The experiment that I have just described allows us to better understand the needs of our children, although, once again, I remind you that education is not an exact science.
The homosexuality
-And what if you are inclined towards someone of the same sex? I feel terrified of just thinking about it.
-Well, then, let's talk now about homosexuality. First of all, what provokes it? Is it a genetic or educational problem?
-That, the homosexual is born or is made?
-Until now, doctors and psychologists have not been able to give a categorical answer regarding homosexuality. According to medicine, this tendency could be located in the hypothalamus, that is, at the base of the brain ..., according to psychology, that if a father is rigidly masculine and the mother extraordinarily feminine, it would be possible for the boy to present tendencies homosexuals, but these are only hypotheses.
- Is there any way to prevent homosexuality?
-No, there is not. You can prohibit your son or daughter from expressing his homosexuality in any way, but the consequences would be disastrous.
-But a psychologist could cure homosexuality, right?
-Allow me to answer you with another question: Do you like women?
-Well, yes, although I'm a faithful husband, I admit that I like women.
-Logical, and say, how many psychotherapy sessions would you need so that instead of liking women, you like men?
-...?
-Okay, no psychologist, even if you spend your life in therapy sessions, could change this situation.
-No, I could not. That's the way I am and I will continue.
-In addition, he is not interested in changing.
- Then, with a homosexual son, nothing can be done?
-It can be done a lot, the parents of a homosexual, man or woman, can and should respect him, accept him and love him as he is, without trying to change him and offer him the emotional support that he needs so much.
-It is difficult right?
-If it is difficult, look, until recently homosexuality was considered a shame, a sin that would be repressed and hidden. Fortunately, society is opening up more to this reality, however in many sectors of society there remains a marked rejection towards this situation. Without going any further, today the Catholic Church tolerates homosexuality, but strictly prohibits homosexual relations.
-According to the church, what can a homosexual do?
-Get up.
- Does not it seem unfair?
-Just or unfair is not my role to judge, although I accept if a homosexual is forced to comply with this precept, is denying himself. It is not possible to cover the sun with a finger. Homosexuality is a fact of life, and, as such, we have to accept it.
-How to know if someone shows homosexual tendencies?
-The symptoms in the boys are a feminine sensibility and an affectation in their voice and in their attitudes, in a girl, their preference for masculine activities combined with the dishevelment and the lack of coquetry. But this is not an inflexible rule, since there are very masculine men and very feminine women who, nevertheless, are homosexual.
-The son of a neighbor was surprised at school by kissing with another child. This is homosexuality. Do not?
-It may be, but not necessarily.
-How is that?
-There are homosexual experiences that arise out of curiosity, due to the need for affection or because of an early libido, that is why it is very important to differentiate homosexual acts from homosexuality itself.
Dyslexia
-I'm at your orders, professor, why did you send me to call?
-To talk with you about a difficulty your child is presenting.
- Oh, hell! Do not scare me.
-It is not something you should be scared of. Tell me, have you noticed that the boy has difficulty reading?
- Indeed, it is more, I think that for its age it could do it better. Will not he be a child of slow learning?
-Of course not. Your child is smart, but has a dysfunction known as dyslexia.
-I had already heard that word, but what does it really mean?
- There are parents who describe ambiguously with the word dyslexia any learning problem, however, dyslexia is something very specific, it consists of a difficulty to correctly understand the written words.
- I must understand that it is not the child's fault?
- Exactly, since it is not about lack of motivation on the part of the boy, or that the parents do not pay enough attention, it is not the manifestation of emotional imbalances and neither should it be attributed to laziness, lack of interest or reluctance. The problems I have just mentioned can be the cause of poor reading but not of dyslexia.
-And there are many children with this problem?
-More or less 15 of every 100 students have difficulties in learning, while dyslexics are only 4%.
- And my son is in that 4%?
-So is.
-But dyslexia is also presented in writing, right?
-Of course, because the difficulty to read makes the student write badly. It is very common, for example, that dyslexics change the "b" for the "d" and the "p" for the "q", in the same way, it will have problems with the compound syllables.
-And tell me, where does dyslexia originate?
-It is known that in the brain, but it is not known in which part it is located. However, in most cases, dyslexia is hereditary, that is, if one of the parents is dyslexic, it is possible that your child is also dyslexic.
-What are the consequences of dyslexia?
-To begin with, great difficulty at the moment of articulating the written word and turning it into a coherent idea, besides a visual difficulty to establish the correct order of letters and words. There are also things in which a dyslexic, when listening to a word, omit some of the sounds or change them by others, with which he will perceive a very different word.
-In addition to inheritance, are there other factors that cause dyslexia?
-If there are, for example, when the mother, during pregnancy, uses certain medications not prescribed by the gynecologist, or that harms the fetus neurologically with alcohol, drugs or nicotine, and, at the time of birth, oxygenation deficient or inadequate use of forceps.
-How can you determine if a child is dyslexic?
-There are a series of indicators, for example:
- Difficulty in knowing exactly what the letters are called.
- Difficulty learning the color of colors.
- Change the order of the letters when reading or writing a word like "tapelo" instead of "pelota", or "metasa" instead of "pot"
- Alter the order of the numbers in quantities of two digits or more.
- Skip lines.
- Difficulty when spelling
- Difficulty coordinating, like, buttoning the sweater or not knowing how to tie the ribbons of the shoes.
-All these examples are signs of dyslexia?
- Not well, but, the sum of all, will be indicating the presence of the problem.
- Is dyslexia curable?
-If it is detected early and the necessary measures are taken, there is a need to appear.
-What are the measures that I must take?
- Take the child to a specialist in language problems or enroll him in an institution, official or private, that includes a specialized program in the treatment of dyslexia. Now, what can you or your wife do, is not to get impatient with the boy or force him, but to understand and support him with all the love that they are capable of offering him.
The bully's victim
-Professor, there is a child who constantly bothers a nephew of mine who is in another school. Do you think that parents should intervene?
-Before answering with a yes or a no, it would be convenient for us to examine the problem more thoroughly. It is rare school that does not count, at least with a bravado, which is usually surrounded by boys who celebrate their jokes and who chant the ridicule aimed at children who are not part of their gang. The abusive is relying on some defect or difference of his victim, and annoying him with hurtful nicknames like "Sow Worm" if he is thin, "floor bump" if he is short, four eyes if he wears glasses or a bottomless barrel if It's chubby. In short, that any particularity is an inexhaustible source for their aggressions.
-But what is the reason for his behavior?
-The reason consents is his desire to dominate by relying on the fear of his victim; the subconscious reason is multiple: insecurity, weakness and lack of self-esteem, therefore for those deficiencies not to be discovered -not for the same- a mask of bravado is put on.
-While more bully, more weakness and insecurity will be trying to hide, right?
-That is why it is very wise that says that the brave lives until the coward wants, in the clear intelligence is that in this case the brave is just an abusive, and that the coward is who has the courage to put a stop to their aggressions.
-The actions of the bully can be destructive, right?
-Naturally, especially if the actions go beyond the tolerant, or if the victim is extremely sensitive. The abusive when it exceeds the limits of the simple joke, can seriously damage the self-esteem of his victim and produce permanent emotional wounds that are very difficult to heal.
- What can my nephew do?
-There are several roads:
- Ignore the bully. What he tries to do is provoke a response from his victim to lean on her and keep bothering her. If there is no answer, he has no joke anymore.
- Distance yourself from who is bothering you. Sometimes putting space in between can help.
- Face the bully and tell him decisively and firmly to stop attacking him.
- Answer the aggression talking about another topic, including inviting the aggressor to perform some fun activity for both.
- Threatening the bully with accusing him with the teacher, this point is a double-edged sword because the victim can stay like a snitch and receive more ridicule for it, with the aggravating circumstance that the teachers prefer not to intervene, however, the victim can tell him something as well as: "Professor, Bermudez is making fun of me all the time. I have tried to ignore it, but he continues with his aggressions. I went to the other patio, but he followed me. I told him we could play something fun, but his taunts increased. I threatened to accuse him with you, but he told me that I was a ladybug. Please teacher, if you do not help me, I do not know what I'm going to do. "
-But perhaps the strategy that gives more results is to echo the aggressor:
-What do you bring "Waterworm Sow" ... ha ha ha!
-Yes right? I'm so thin that I even look like a noodle! ... jijiji! Hey, how will I do to get fat?
It almost never fails; first because the aggression is becoming a joke, and then because the provocateur is being placed as a counselor, and a counselor is always someone important, an attribute that the bully lacks, so he will stop bothering his victim, and, because no, until he became his friend.
In case your nephew has not been able to use the proposed strategies, the time has come for the parents to act, talking with the teacher, or, if necessary, with the school principal.
-And what to do with the brawling children?
- Basically the boys fight with words or with blows.
-What is the difference?
-If you fight with words, the consequences are not alarming, but the blows can cause big problems. There are parents who recommend physically responding to the aggression, however, I do not agree, because all aggression generates more aggression and one of the children or both can result in serious injuries. For this reason the teacher or parent must immediately stop the lawsuit, even if only verbal, reprimand the offenders with reasons, and also apply an exemplary punishment, in response to such a request, there is usually a response from the teacher.
The friendships
- What can I do so that my son has the friendships that suit him?
-The first thing is to determine what you understand as convenient friends, and then, if you do not agree with them, take the time to observe them and determine why you are accepting or not accepting certain friends that your child has chosen. Keep in mind that the boy will seek friendships of all kinds: those that are similar to him, those that differ from his way of thinking and acting. With the friends that appear to him, he will increase his personality, he will increase his confidence and he will feel safe. With friends different from him, your child will have the opportunity to know different ways of thinking and learn skills that he did not know.
-And is it possible that you have both types of friends?
-Not only possible, but convenient. Another aspect of the subject is presented when the child prefers the friendship of children younger than him, which may indicate a sign of immaturity or of feeling his superiority. However they may be, friends are a valuable contribution that teaches and values.
-What is it that makes a child choose certain friends?
-It is common for a child to prefer the friendship of children who have different moral values, or who belong to a different socioeconomic stratum or another religion. This means that your child is looking for something he does not have at home. In this case, investigate what your child requires, and determine if these attributes are worthy of joining the family
- And how to do if the child meets with friendships that do not suit him?
-First of all, remember that the boys constantly change friends that, in the long run, this harmful friendship will disappear, but do not forbid it, because then your child will cling more to her. Have patience, if he has received, firm moral values in the home, will hardly choose inconvenient friendships.
The lack of friends
-I do not know what to do teacher. My son does not have friends and he prefers to be alone, but I think that is not the most convenient thing for him.
-Look, when a person reaches adulthood, can have many friends or prefer loneliness. That depends on the tastes of each one. Children, on the other hand, need to be in partnership with other children to develop properly, since a good part of their learning is based on observation and imitation of others.
-Do you mean that my son is unsociable?
-Remember that everyone, children and adults, we are part of a society and that it is precisely this society, with its advantages and disadvantages, that makes us cooperate with our peers and awakens in us the challenge of competencies, attributes that must be inculcated the child from his first years of age. Now, if the parents do not invest enough time with the child, or do not pay enough attention the child can choose to be isolated, play alone and avoid contact with other children. In this case we will be in a problem of unsociability.
-Why is a child unsociable?
-Because he feels rejected by others, including his parents. On the other hand the unsociable boy is usually sad or somewhat depressed and rejects the idea of integrating with other classmates in group activities even though, in his interior, he is desperately desiring it.
-In this aspect, how can I help my son?
-Although I have just said that the child rejects the idea of alternating with other classmates, invite him, but do not force him, to participate in certain activities that other children attend, such as choral groups, dance Martial Arts. Try to integrate it into associations such as the Boys Scouts, or take a computer or language course, register it in a sport that allows you to alternate and compete with other children. You can also suggest that he invite a roommate to sleep at home, or that he is the one who sleeps at another boy's house. You can do all this, but the most important thing is that both you and your partner are integrated in a more present and active in the games and activities of the child.
The emotions
-I think teacher, that my son has emotional problems, and I would like to know exactly what is an emotional problem?
-Well, it is simply a feeling, whatever it may be, that it has not been able to resolve and that leads to unproductive or destructive behavior. All people can present emotional problems, but this dysfunction becomes a worrisome situation when it affects our work, school or social behavior, and as long as the problem lasts longer, it increases in magnitude with catastrophic consequences.
- In what way can I be sure that my son has emotional problems?
-Basically, by the manifestation or repression of their feelings, and, by the way they behave.
Could it be more specific?
-If a child can openly express their feelings, feeling sad or happy is telling us that they have no emotional problems, because when these are presented, keep those feelings for yourself and is not able to communicate, so in general this sad, discouraged and very susceptible. On the other hand, the indicators that there is an emotional problem are insensitivity to feelings such as guilt. Fears, anger, emotional pain, expressions of affection. However, the most accurate diagnosis comes from the child himself, when he shows changes in his habitual behavior.
- Sleep disturbance: You can sleep much longer or suffer from insomnia. He usually has nightmares and prefers to take refuge in bed before facing his obligations.
- Eat too much or too little and fatten or lose weight easily, prefer to eat alone and, instead of a nutritious meal, eat junk foods.
- He constantly gets sick or has accidents.
- He dresses in an unusual way and is negligent with his hygiene.
- He is often depressed, anguished or angry in excess.
- It is irritable and explosive, and shows an alarming inclination to lie or steal.
- He departs from the family, is withdrawn and lonely.
- He tries to miss school and avoids fulfilling his tasks, consequently, his grades are low and, often, reprobatory; learning is difficult and they constantly report it due to problems of indiscipline.
- Usually it is disconnected with all those around them in general and with life in particular.
- That means that there are signs of emotional dysfunction if a boy presents all these problems?
-They do not need to be everyone, but if at least half manifest themselves, it is imperative that both you and your partner take action.
-As which?
-How are you, for example:
Talk to him, but choose a site or a time where there are no interruptions. If this is not possible at home, suggest: "Son, I fancy an ice cream. Would you like to accompany me? "Now, calmly let him know that you are worried about his behavior:" I have noticed that lately you feel guilty, and I would like you to tell me why. I assure you that I will accept your reasons and that, whatever they may be, I will not scold you or punish you. You can have confidence in me.
Try to be specific: "Hey, what has made you feel so guilty?
Ask him if there is something that has seemed right or that makes him feel satisfied and happy.
Assure him that, if there are any problems, you prefer that the child be the one to tell you, instead of knowing it by other means, and insist that there will be no reprisals and that together they will be able to solve the problem.
-It is possible that, thanks to a sincere conversation, your son will be the same child again.
Sexual abuse
- Through the media we very often find out about boys and girls who have suffered sexual abuse and, frankly, I am terrified. Could you broaden the topic teacher?
- I saw in general form, the abuse towards the children can be psychological, verbal or simply prolonged silences; physical when the child receives blows or burns, and sexual, in case the child is the victim of obscene caresses or a clear violation. The first two are overwhelming, although they disguise themselves by saying that "they are for their own good"; However, the sequelae left in the body and, especially in the mind of the child, are serious. But the third type of abuse can not even be justified on the pretext that the child is being educated; is the arrogant and arbitrary action of a depraved on a defenseless child, whose actions leave an indelible mark that will torment his whole life. A stranger can sexually abuse a boy or girl; but the most frightening part of the case is that those who most frequently comment on this crime are members of the victim's own family or are people who deserve absolute trust on the part of the child or his parents.
-How to know if a boy or girl has been a victim of sexual abuse?
- A difficult question to answer, since, as each child thinks, feels and reacts differently to others, it is not easy to find out the symptoms of a certain behavior. As a rule, children from their early years, are happy and are constantly showing signs of great activity and insatiable curiosity; They are friendly and they love being shown love. As they grow up it is understandable that they manifest some fears, such as darkness, certain animals or the phenomena of nature but these fears are overcome and disappear.
-So, what is your behavior when you have abused him?
-There are several indicators, although these vary according to the personality of each child, however, there are some equivocal signs:
Try to avoid the deal, and even more the contact, with your friends and your own family.
He becomes introverted and pusillanimous.
Inexplicably shuns someone specific, friend or family member.
He cries easily and assumes an attitude of sadness and depression.
For no apparent reason he is shown, tense, nervous and anguished.
His grades are notoriously low and he frequently pretends to be ill so as not to attend school.
-But, how to know the truth?
-Another difficult question to answer, because surely the child will try to avoid the subject. If, for example, he is asked how he feels, he will respond well, and if he insists, saying: "Lately I have felt sad and worried, what's wrong with you?", He will answer: "nothing", and get away from you. The boy will prefer to hide the problem because:
- As he knows or intuits, what happened is something bad, he is afraid of being punished, because he is the one who takes the blame.
- He refuses to accuse the victimizer, because it may be someone his parents want and respect.
- Take that, if it puts in evidence to the person that abuse of him, this could retaliate against his family or against the same boy, and fears to be labeled as a liar, and the fact that they do not believe it is a violation of his esteem, that is, he suffers a psychological violation after a sexual violation.
-And if it really is telling lies?
-A child can lie in almost anything; but it is difficult to lie in something as delicate and perverse as sexual abuse, so please believe him, and if the abuser is discovered, whoever it is, it is imperative to cut off all relations with him and report it to the authorities so that Do not continue causing more damage. But more important is prevention. You have to talk to the child before a devastating situation occurs. Talk to the child, not once but several times, even if we are repetitive. In these cases, it is better that over what is missing, alert him again and again about the dangers to which he may be exposed. It is necessary to insist that no one, absolutely nobody has to grope or micho less to touch their intimate parts and that if this should happen, communicate it immediately to their parents. They will know how to fix things. And do not be afraid, because you will always have your understanding, your support and your love.
The sexuality
-Professor, how and when can I talk to my son about sex?
-In agreement with Freud, the main driving force behind human behavior is sex, but until today, at the beginning of the 21st century, it is still a subject that parents resist dealing with their children, so I am pleased that you have the intention to face it.
-Yes, I've realized that there is that fear, but why?
-Because sexual issues are still considered sinful.
However, sexual activity is as natural as eating or sleeping, right?
"That's right, but on certain levels it's still considered dirty and shameful. Now to answer your question, I will tell you that most of the boys, learn about sex from friends and colleagues, only that this information is often incomplete and often erroneous, so it is convenient that education about sex arise at home .
-Yes, but at what time?
-It does not exist a precise age. The answers about sexuality should be given when the child formulates it, on the understanding that these answers must be precise, without spreading on the subject. Thus, for example, if a boy or a girl asks where the babies come from, it can simply be answered that the belly of their breasts.
- Listen to you, but this is a topic that even teenagers are misinformed, right?
-Indeed, and this is because they are embarrassed to ask or to be satisfied with something like "do not go thinking about those things. You concentrate on studying and nothing else. " Fortunately, the subject of human reproduction is now taught from the fifth grade of primary school. It is an important chapter of the natural sciences.
-In school you can learn, for example, how a horse is; its structure, its different races, its way of running, but not the feelings that a certain horse can hold. With the sexual education that is taught in the school the same thing can be said, the forms, the differences and the functions of the reproductive system can be learned, but not the values, the romanticism and the love that must exist in a harmonious sexual relationship.
- Those are the principles that should be inculcated in the home, right?
-Fully in agreement, and not only by advice and recommendations but, predominantly, by example. If a child sees that their parents respect each other, take care of each other and often show their love with words, small gifts or affection, they will want to follow that behavior with the couple they have at that moment or with whom they will eventually have.
The hidden feelings
-I do not know what to do teacher. But my son has become an expert in hiding his feelings, as if he were mired in a pit from which I want to help him out, but he does not let himself.
-To start with let's talk about the basic feelings. These are, according to the experts, anger, sadness, happiness and fear, as well as a whole range of secondary feelings. It is important that they come to light because if they are kept inward, on the outside it will manifest as a problem in which tension and anguish will be present. A boy who hides his feelings usually finds it difficult to use words to communicate, and, as a result, accumulates a series of negative emotions that he expresses eating, screaming incoherence or fighting for any reason ... or no reason.
-What measures do you recommend me to carry out?
-The most important thing is communication with your child, but since this is not easy since the boy prefers to keep quiet, I will suggest some ideas
Talk to him but alone, and do it daily, every three days or once a week, with the condition that it be constant. These meetings always at the same time, the same day and in the same place, will make the child acquire a feeling of security and confidence.
Avoid asking abstract questions such as: "How are you doing at school?", Or How do you feel ?, Because your child will respond with a brief: "good"
Be more specific: "Tell me, what is it that you are most afraid of? Or, what are the things that make you feel at ease?
Maybe then the child will be there. Do not interrupt, criticize, or advise (unless he asks) just listen with great interest.
If you do not get immediate results do not get discouraged and continue with this strategy whose goal is to bridge your child's feelings with yours.
conclusion
Of course, not all the questions that parents could ask about their children's education have been answered, nor have all the doubts that arise when we want our children to be honest, productive and above all happy. However, the questions presented in this work, according to psychologists and pedagogues, are the most frequent questions in the education of our children.
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